Confessions of a Lonely Person

Loneliness isn't just for when you're by yourself, you can feel it even in a room full of people. It's something that hits you like a wave, it can be a constant feeling or something that just drifts. It's hard to try and describe exactly what it feels like, for me, it feels like sadness and something that I can't shake. I feel alone and isolated and my mind starts going mad. I become more conscious of what's going on and how people are reacting to my every move. 

Being in the city makes it worse to some extent, I make sure that I try and spend at least 20 minutes each day to go outside and just allow myself to walk. I want the time to be able to clear my head and just appreciate what is around me, for a while this was great but I started to feel lonelier the more I did it. My thoughts that were originally all about the environment in and what I was going to do for the rest of the day was then consumed without how alone I felt and this overwhelming fear of going back to my flat to be by myself. 

I didn't actually realise it was loneliness at first, I've always been by myself and when I was younger I guess I didn't notice the difference as much. I'm a vocal person who always wants to talk to people, it wasn't until the first year of University where I would come back to my flat after a long day around people to just feel this emptiness. I thought I would be blessed to be able to come home to peace and quiet so that I could unwind and have some me time, but if anything I resented it. Unless it had been a really draining day, I would hate coming back to my flat. I'd try and sleep as soon as I could because it would just become upsetting to just be sat by myself. I'd struggle to take my mind off of it, I started to rely heavily on messaging people and I'd stay up until every single person was asleep just to make sure I wouldn't feel as lonely. 

It was sad really, and now I'm still struggling with it. But I've become better at altering my thoughts, instead of seeing it as a time to be sad and isolate myself. I'm taking the time to focus back on this, I didn't realise how much this feels like a conversation sometimes. It helped to clear so much negativity and cloudiness from my mind, that I'd write a post and just feel free which is a feeling I haven't had in a while. Am also taking more steps to focus on mindfulness, am using headspace again and it's been really great to get me to unwind. 

I don't think the loneliness will ever fade, but I know that it will get easier and harder at times. There's some company in knowing you're not alone and it'd be great if anyone took some form of company from this. It's a topic I don't think gets talked about enough, until it reaches a severe point and that point doesn't need to be reached every time. 

Until next time, Chloe! 

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