Am Giving Up On Love For A Bit

In a few ways, it makes me sad to say that, it's a weird thing to announce but it's something I'm holding myself to. I did a post a good couple of months ago talking all about love the issues of not finding the right person and all that. But since then I've come to the conclusions that I don't think am looking for the right thing and finding someone isn't ideal for me right now. 

I deleted all the dating apps back in November and I had been speaking to someone and going on dates up until February. The day before Valentines in fact, then I asked if it would be going any further and got hit with the let's just be mates line. I struggled to shrug this off and carry on for a bit and at first, I thought oh it's natural it's happened before and I'll get over it soon. But there was something about different, I think because we had got so close to being something it felt like a ton of bricks had fallen on me, I got on with the person so well and I'd started to get so open and it's a really weird thing being so open with someone to suddenly not speak to them. 

But I think I took it badly because this happens every time I start speaking to someone and it goes somewhere, it wasn't just a one-off. In fact, it's very rare that it gets to this stage but I always admit how I feel and have to lightly brush off the blow. And each time I get back up and it all ends up being fine after a couple of weeks, but it really makes me question if I even should be looking for love. I begin to wonder if it's me and to this date, I still believe it's something that I do that makes this happen. I think for me at least, I want to put in a lot of effort from the start and I want that person to know that I care, I think the whole playing it cool is something I've not learnt yet and I hate ignoring the conversation. 

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been so busy with everything that everyone has had to have slow replies and you know what. It made me feel so much better to be off my phone and to just focus on everything else. And I think when I become so glued to my phone I notice my mood dropping a lot. I want to try a digital detox soon and see how I do. I'm really interested to see what happens. 

In terms of looking for the right thing, I'd say I just want someone. I don't think I could just have something to be casual unless it was pure sex. But there's something about being with someone that makes you laugh, that you can talk to, and in general just help you feel less alone. And at times I love being able to just hibernate and stay in my bubble but it gets isolating and I think am ready to commit to something. 

Time wise, however, that ain't it. As much as I would love to say that am always ready for love I think there are a few things I need to sort out. I don't have long of University left and I would rather spend it enjoying the time with my friends and sorting out my mental health, than sitting in bed crying over a boy. This time last year I did the complete opposite and focused my attention on everyone else and I'm still paying for the consequences of this. 

I think as well, it's that awkward point where I don't know if I even want to date. Mentally and life wise there is a lot going on and I don't want anyone to be brought into it. I think as well, am not ready to really speak to anyone am close to about it either. 

So for now at least, I don't want to date anyone. And for me that's very weird to say but I just struggle to picture myself dating someone or speaking to someone without the thought that they might not even like me and this isn't the right time running through my head. 

Let me know if you're in the same boat! 

Until next time, Chloe! 

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