The Biggest Lesson I Learned At 20

Yep i've been distant on here and social media really, it's been a weird month and a weird Summer altogether. I told myself to use this Summer to reflect and get myself back on track, I started to get closure from a lot of things that happened during university. And whilst this was all going on I forgot that I need to have a bit of break, because it's been an intense couple of months. 

At 21 years old, I can now say that I have learned that it's okay to start looking after myself. It sounds so dumb saying it out loud, but I am very much focused on all the other tasks and then myself, and on a quiet day that's okayish to do. But for a job like mine and I guess a life like mine (that's cringey, I know) there aren't really quiet days. If i'm not preparing stuff for my job then I'm doing blog work or seeing my friends. 

And although it's great to be busy, it's also great to have a day or a couple of hours when you can say a big fuck off to everything and just be by yourself. And in the past couple of months I have forgotten all about this, to some extent I feel like i've even forgotten about myself a bit. I've been planning in stuff like mad without realising that one day it will become too much and I will just go into overload and shut down, I sound like a 2006 computer but it kinda feels like that. 

Luckily, I can sense this brewing as my sleep is rapidly reducing and I am finding myself waking up ar 4 and 5am again wide awake but definitely too tired to get up. This sets off the rest which includes involuntarily crying, chest pains, unmanageable migraines to the point where I want into work with sunglasses on looking at my computer. I have basically managed to find my threshold, but not took that as a sign to halt and take a break. 

From this, the past year especially these past couple of months has made me realise how so much of this isn't okay. Not booking time off and refusing to really use my toil to go home an hour early isn't healthy, and for a while and pretty much up until this point I have always panicked that if I have a week off then everything will stop and there isn't time for that. Before you say anything, I know it is a dangerous mindset and it's only taken me since working in my new job to realise that in almost every single week of my job there will be someone on annual leave, and the world still carries on and things still get done. 

It sounds so silly outloud to admit that I am scared to look after myself and step away from my responsibilities for a week or just a few days. But it is honestly about time I did this, and for me I want to create a bit more of a structure, have dedicated times and days for the blog but if I am not feeling up to it then it's fine and I'm not mandated to do so. For so long I have felt this overwhelming shame and guilt and in reality it's going to hurt me in the long run if I don't take some time off. 

Now that I'm 21 i'm hoping to use this year to take some time off, work through some things in regards to my mental health. But to also launch some exciting things for the blog, which I can hopefully announce soon eeek exciting times!

Let me know what was the one less you learned in your twenties? 

Until next time, Chloe!